At the tender of 15 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I, at the time, had no clue what that meant. All I knew was that I was struggling and I wanted it to end. I tried every single medication in the world it felt like and nothing worked. I either had nasty reactions or they just literally did nothing.
So how was I supposed to make the pain stop and heal my disorder when I couldn't find the right medication? I'll be honest and this is hard for me to say, I gave up. I self medicated. I turned to things that would make me numb and spacey instead of being here and fighting to find what worked. But for me, after the years of trying why would I want to continue? The horrible reactions. The doctor who overdosed me on medications and sent me into such horrific hallucinations, that the next day I tried to killed myself because I thought I was crazy. I was hurting. I had tried to commit suicide countless times and by the grace of God was unsuccessful each and every time.
I stayed in this self medicated hell for years and maybe it was because I didn't want to face the truth that I had such a diagnosis that affected my life in ways others couldn't understand. Maybe I was ashamed. Maybe I was scared. This is all the truth, because I didn't want others to think I was my diagnosis or I was a freak or I was whatever "label" they were going to give me. Once I ACCEPTED that I had a disorder, which was only a few years ago, I realized it in no way defined me. After that I was able to bloom and give the love to myself I deserved and still deserve to this day as well as everyday.
I am beautiful, I am awesome, I am great, I am wonderful, I am a loving mother and wife who yes, suffers from mental illness but that does not define me and never will again! I will not allow that to rule my life and take over, because I have the power. I tell myself this every morning in the mirror whether brushing my teeth, doing my makeup or hair because I need to hear it.
So to anyone suffering with mental illness, you are not alone. You are wonderful, you are amazing, you are beautiful, you are handsome, you are loved, and you are NOT your diagnosis. YOU ARE YOU and that is one of the greatest feelings and gifts in the world.